Sunday, November 9, 2008

Torturing Your Parents 101 with Professor Q

Good morning class. For today's lesson we will be discussing how to scare the holy shit out of your parents using what the medical community calls Torticollis.

  • Step 1: wake up at 5:30 am.
  • Step 2: lay down on the floor beside your bed.
  • Step 3: grasp the back of your neck and start crying.
  • Step 4: when your parent(s) enters the room and tries to pick you up off the floor, scream.
  • Step 5: through your cries repeatedly say something to the effect of, "my neck's stuck." with panic in your eyes.
  • Step 6: let your parent(s) imagine all the horrifying scenarios resulting from a major neck injury.
These six easy steps will most likely result in a trip to the emergency room. The staff will then inform your parent(s) that what you have is Torticollis, a very common ailment for children between 2 and 5 years of age. As a bonus, you get to watch the relief that your parent(s) are feeling deflate when the doctor tells them that Torticollis can last anywhere from 1 hour to 4 days.

Milk it! As long as you continue to clutch your neck and wince at even the slightest movement, you can enjoy sitting on the couch undisturbed watching cartoons and eating junkfood.


KristenMary said...

OMG!! I hope he's doing okay now, how scary!!

peter hoh said...

Hope you're all better now.

Another tip: tell your parents that your heart hurts. That got my 5 y.o. a late night trip to the E.R.

By the way, the Science Museum is running playdates again. They are on Tuesday mornings for a while. Check the website or call for more info.

PumpkinGirl said...

One I've heard is "the back of my neck hurts" for sore throat. Sorry to hear your kiddo wasn't well (and milking it).